SeaHeart

I've been very quiet for the past month or so. I've been going through a lot of personal changes, and have needed that space and freedom to follow my heart without summarization or articulation. I think I'm beyond this point now, and can stretch my new wings, fresh out of the chrysalis. What happened to me during this time is completely internal, a metamorphosis that is both life changing and opening. I'm a completely different person from a month ago, and I want to document that, both because it amazes me, but also because I have a constant need to stretch the bounds of honesty and be as authentic and completely open as I can be. For this purpose, and because I feel the need to be as honest as possible in this journey, this post is public.

I don't expect everyone to truly understand what I have to say here--and that's okay. However, I would ask that you continue to respect me as your friend, realizing that my decisions are those I make--and if they're not right for you, they're still incredibly right for me. That's the way all life is, after all--ancora imparo. I am always learning.

While my spirituality and love of my Goddess and love of my beloved fill me in all ways, for a very long time I've been unhappy with how the world works. I don't know why it's always bothered me so much--perhaps it's because I was homeschooled, I ran wild in the woods and meadows for my growing up years, answerable only to the wind and the rain. I learned to listen to nature, to tune in and, let's be a bit poetic here, be completely at one with it. I don't know if that's what differentiates me, or if it's because I'm me, I'm Sarah, and this is how I was meant to be. It doesn't really matter, the whys. Just that I've always been this way, and how we think we have to live...I don't believe it.

We go to work, to jobs we almost completely dislike. We work very hard. We get depressed about the state of the world, that we're not doing what our degrees or dreams asked of us. So we go shopping, and buy stuff to soothe that ache. Let's party on the weekend. Let's drown our dreams and forget we had them. Fuck. It's Monday again. Rinse and repeat.

I've always been on more of the fringe side of these things, but I do have a nine to five job that has nothing to do with what my heart aches for.

This unrest hit a head when I went to Diana's Grove at Ostara with Rachel. We spoke, long into the morning, and I cried a lot. We talked about dreams, our deepest desires, our want and need to do whatever we could to make certain our families were secure in more ways than monetary. Our need, within ourselves, to take back that power that we believe the world has and controls. We were there to remind each other that we do have power, if we dare to look for it.

I looked for it. I searched through every area of my life with a deliberate care, dragging out bits of darkness into the light, examining them, seeing what about my spirit I loved, and what could really use a going over. And, in the end, I decided to make some changes.

During this time, by chance, I happened to find a few blogs that spoke to me. Rowdy Kittens, Far Beyond the Stars, Zen Habits, mnmlist and (my favorite), the Simple Rabbit Society. It's as if these blog authors knew my innermost heart. Here were all my longings and half-formed thoughts, but distilled into a simple essence and hope--that there is another way.

What these blogs have in common is that they are Minimalist blogs. Minimalism is the idea that you can live a very, very simple life--and, instead of worrying about stuff, you live your life, savoring experiences, love and the sheer beauty of the world, instead of things.

It was shocking at first. There were people who lived with less than fifty objects, who could pack their entire lives in a single backpack, who owed no one and nothing, and were as free as the wind. This Sarah, who had lived several years in the world, found it hard to believe, found it hard to understand. But the deeper Sarah, the truer Sarah, remembered what it was like to be homeschooled, to run wild in the woods and meadow and answerable to no one but the wind and rain. And this Sarah, the wild child, the daughter of the earth, found it delicious. And loved it fiercely...as much, or more so, than the tame Sarah feared it.

There can not be two ideals at war within you. So, one of these had to go. I struggled with myself, I wrestled an angel (an impossibility), and--in the end--the wild one survived.

What is the worst, I reasoned with myself, that could happen? You give up most of your worldly possessions, you no longer have unhealthy desire, you no longer covet, you are as free--again--as the wind and rain. What is the worst that could happen?

There was no answer. Because there was no worst.

Once I decide to do something with all of my heart, it is done. I have to reach the place of supreme calm and courage within me, and then everything changes. This is what happened, and this is what did.

So...what does this all mean?

- I'm simplifying my world down to the deep essentials. Those few things that unequivocally make my heart sing, or that I need to survive, and the few things that provide a very rooted sense of nostalgia for me. The problem is that I'm a water sign, and I'm deeply sentimental anyway--so these past few weeks have found me going through boxes of things that I've been attached to, over the years, for no other reason than they remind me of such and such a moment--even if the item is arguably junk. I'm finding it easier and easier to give up those things that do not service me, freeing edges of my life that have yet never been freed.

- I've stopped buying things. I did this a few months ago based on monetary reasons. But I'm now doing it based on a spiritual reason--I don't need that thing, that item. To purchase it further indebts me, even if I'm paying for it in cash, because that cash could be used to pay off a credit card. On the deeper side of things, I no longer feel the need to purchase things. Anything. This happened gradually, and I fully realized it last week--that I no longer have cravings, that I no longer feel inadequate or remotely sad because I don't own x perfume oil or y book. I already lead a simple life to begin with, buying items with infrequency, but this has gone from a trickle to a halt. How does this feel? Invigorating, empowering, heady. If we need something like shampoo or food, we purchase it, but if I can see no real need for a luxury item, I simply don't. I've remembered that libraries can be sanctuaries, that our backyard is as much of a kingdom as any other. I'm free.

- I gave up coffee. This was really big for me, because I was addicted to it, because I gave up my own power every time I gave in to those cravings. It didn't really make me happy, buying that five dollar latte--but it gave me, for those small moments, a happy feeling. The moment the drink was done, I was five dollars poorer, and my stomach felt horrible. So I quit cold turkey last Monday. I've felt no ill effects, have had no headaches, and once I decided to do it, it was completely simple.

- I've become someone different. My self worth was never derived from material objects, but some small part of it was--and I've lost that. My mother came to visit us the other day, and while I was watering my vegetable garden, she looked at me and said: "you're so...so...steady. So calm, so centered. You're very zen." I gave her a wicked grin and said something about being more wild, but I can see that, too. I'm powerful. I'm strong and capable, and I can do anything I want, with this new freedom. I gave myself this freedom. This belief that we CAN get out of debt, that we CAN live the life we want, that with each taking back of our powers, we are ever closer to the dream state we've built in our own hearts. When we drill down to the base essence of ourselves, all else must follow.

This is my essence:

- That I've always hated anything that confines and restricts me. That I'm wild and free, in my deepest essence, that to be controlled or manipulated, coerced or held down is the very thing that I cry out against the most. Debt, addiction, wanting and needing things that truly serve no purpose, to ME, do not serve my greater good. So, with my strength, and through the Goddess', I've chosen another path.
- That I'm a strong and courageous and phenomenal woman, that I am the Goddess incarnate, here on Earth, and that I can hear Her so much stronger when I am solidly within my own heart and spirit.
- That if I don't like how the world is going, the only thing that I have any power to control is my own path and my own life. I must be the change I want to see in the world, and to be anything less does not serve me.
- That if I am to truly follow my heart and be the most authentic spiritual person I can be, I must uphold my own creeds and tenets, and must be completely authentic in these. Or I am nothing but hollow (and I am not hollow).

I don't believe in any sort of extreme--when I make a decision that feels right to me, I stick with it. That's why I'm Pagan, that's why I worship the Goddess, that's why I'm vegan--because I found out these truths within myself at the perfect time, and that's what I came to be. It's a very simple, very intuitive way to live...and, now, within these moments, I've found another aspect. I love simplicity, and I'm rebuilding my life to be in line with this truth.

There will be more posts along this sort of vein, but I did want to put it out there. I've changed. I needed to explain why.

Thanks for reading~ <3