SeaHeart

The beginnings of our marriage license. <3


Jenn hung our marriage license in our bedroom today. I noticed it when I was taking off my earrings when I came home from work. We'd talked about finding the most special place possible for it, proudly displayed in its new frame. It's right next to our gigantic "happily ever after" plaque, and when I saw it, I got teary eyed all over again.

If you're a straight person, reading the above paragraph, you might not understand it. A marriage license is something you've always been allowed to have, something you've never had to think about. That's not your fault. You were born that way. You were allowed marriage and I wasn't, though your love is not better or worse than my love. Not better or worse, just different. But the ramifications of its differentness impacts me deeply and legally. Or, it did. Until a few months ago.

You see, Jenn and I live in New York state. NY began to allow gay marriages on July 24, 2011. I remember that day with such a striking vividness, though I remember the moment that they announced it as legal much, much clearer.

We were having a fairy party (you are not surprised) over the weekend, and many of our guests had already arrived that evening when my best friend--who hadn't yet made it--called me. I couldn't hear her amidst the laughter, so I went into the bedroom, hand clasped over my other ear. "...it passed?" she yelled breathlessly, exuberant. "I don't know if it passed, silly!" I laughed back, "we don't know if it's going to be voted on tonight..." "No!" she shouted. "SARAH. It PASSED."

My world fell away. I stood, silent, limp when she said: "SARAH? DID YOU HEAR ME? IT PASSED."

And then I began to sob. I sobbed, breathless, for five minutes, turning, blind, to collapse into Jenn's arms. I kept crying, everyone gathered worriedly. "It didn't pass?" someone whispered, and only then did I find my voice, only then did months, years of activism, of praying, of frustration, of abuse from angry, homophobic people fall completely away into my personal history as I gulped air, shook my head, and through my tears I said over and over again like someone who's been given the world: "no. It PASSED. Oh god, it passed."

I'd always been so afraid, though I'd tried to hide it. Afraid that Jenn would get sick, that they wouldn't let me see her in the hospital. Afraid something terrible might happen to me, and she be left with nothing (the house is in my name). All of the little things that a married couple never even has to think about I thought about day and night. For Jenn and I were already married, though it wasn't legal. And if she'd gotten ill or something had happened to me, it would have meant nothing to the faceless systems that would keep us apart.

It sounds science fiction-y, doesn't it. Like something out of a movie, that in this day and age, two passionately and madly in love people could be kept from one another in the moments that matter most. My worst nightmares contained faceless hospital staff that stood and barred the door, refusing me admittance to the room where my wife lay, calling for me. It's a grotesque and dramatic image, but it happens every single day in this country. Every single day in every single state that does not have gay marriage or protection for gay couples.

It wasn't just about the legal ramifications, the safety that would be afforded to us once it passed. It was the "less than" status that, every day, we combated. Gay marriage in NY state has not been a miracle pill. In our rural community, it's still sometimes frightening to be an openly gay woman. Countless people still look down at us, hate us, make the everyday, simple task of holding hands a political statement open for commentary by every stranger passing.

But we're legal. We are no longer less than. And that has begun to make all the difference.

The problem, now, is...well, I'm calling it "survivor's guilt." You see, we have a lot of gay friends. Many of them don't live in NY. Some of our dearest loved ones are not allowed the exact same rights that we have because of geography, because of the state they live in. Which seems so odd, so wrong, so ridiculous to me that I have a hard time understanding it. L and J, two beautiful hearts and so in love women, cannot marry because their state doesn't allow it. So, while I am afforded the legal safety and privileges of marriage, they are still in the cold and dark of waiting for their state to see progress, to see empathy and equality. There is nothing different about their love from ours.

The only difference is geography.

I can't stop looking at our marriage license. I have such mixed feelings when I do. Relief. Elation. Love. Joy. Happiness. Gratitude.

And sadness that I'm one of the "lucky" ones. When we should ALL be the "lucky" ones.

Some of our older gay friends have reminded me, gently, that Rome wasn't built in a day. When Jenn and I fell in love, eight years ago, we could never have imagined that we would, today, be legally married. THAT seemed like science fiction, and yet--look. Eight "short" years later, and I wear a beautiful, shining wedding band that symbolizes, as simple metal can try, everlasting love. Who knows what eight years more can do?

I have hope. I have faith.

And though I am now afforded these shiny, new legal rights, I can't stop. No one can stop. And no one is stopping. We are all still trying, still fighting, and we will never stop fighting for equal rights for all. Everywhere. EveryONE.

Regardless of geography.

(cross-posted at Muse Rising)

So, Jenn's wanted to have purple hair her entire life.

Why then, almost a year ago, when she first started her purple-hair-dying, did she dye it pink?

Because...I've wanted pink hair my entire life. And I asked her to dye it for me. Just that once.

And, because she's amazing, she did. <3

One of my favorite pictures of us ever, a candid that my sister took. <33333 I'd just told her a ridiculous joke. That smile is the most beautiful thing in the universe. <33333


Jenn works at home. I do not. Yet. That freedom will hopefully be attained sometime in August.

And with that freedom comes the final ending to my quest and my lifelong wish: to have pink hair.

It's silly. I know it's silly. But pink hair symbolizes a lot of things to me. Freedom (which I'll finally, finally have after a lifelong journey getting there). Joy. Sparkle. Happiness. Who I am, down to my bones and back, would be reflected in a cosmetic change, but, really, I feel like I've had pink hair all my life, just waiting to come through. Like my tattoos.

I wanted to get married in pink hair. I wanted to because it's me, but--at the last moment--I thought that would put too much not-honeymoon-type-feelings on the honeymoon if we had to worry about getting home early enough to dye it back for work. So I didn't do.

And I kind of regret that. Not in a sweeping Gone With the Wind kind of way, but still...regret.

But.

But...

But.

Jenn and I are going to Florida to visit one of the most important people in the world to us, one of our best friends, Rachel, her beautiful children and her awesome husband in almost ONE WEEK. It's pretty exciting, glee-inducing, happy-beyond-happy. I'm not going to be at work for a blissful number of days.

And, because I believe the world is moved by magic, I am doing something I've waited my entire LIFE to do.

The Friday before we leave--a week from tomorrow--I am dying my hair pink. As an act of magic. As an announcement to the universe: I'm ready for freedom. I've worked hard enough. I'm grateful it's coming. <3

And, by the time we return from Florida, it'll be faded enough (I'm using Manic Panic, I hope it lasts LONG enough for Florida! It washed off in a day for Jenn. I am going to use HEAT this time. :D) to dye it back to dirty blonde.

But the pink will still be there. Because it's always been there.

Waiting for eventual, don't-stop-belieeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiing freedom.

<3333333333333333

Edited to add: YES, I KNOW THAT WILL MAKE US LIVING EXAMPLES OF UTENA AND ANTHY. *laughing* Further proof we're soulmates. ;D <33333333333333333

So, I had a really long appointment with our accountants tonight, who are awesome, wonderful people--I LOVE them <3--but it was still a lot of thinking, and I was pretty sleepy after, and I finally just got home a little while ago. Jenn did CRAZY mega cleaning today, even though she's still SICK, so I WAS MAKING HER REST, and we were talking and laughing and watching Downton Abbey parodies when I checked my email randomly, AND THE AMAZING AMAZINGNESS LADY OF DOOM, MISS LAURA (who is, besides being one of the dearest ladies in the world, OUR WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER), EMAILED ME SOMETHING SO INCREDIBLE I HAD TO SHARE.

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And also: :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I got my wedding-pink-hair. ;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;


( Take our SPARKLELUTION )