SeaHeart

So, I had a really long appointment with our accountants tonight, who are awesome, wonderful people--I LOVE them <3--but it was still a lot of thinking, and I was pretty sleepy after, and I finally just got home a little while ago. Jenn did CRAZY mega cleaning today, even though she's still SICK, so I WAS MAKING HER REST, and we were talking and laughing and watching Downton Abbey parodies when I checked my email randomly, AND THE AMAZING AMAZINGNESS LADY OF DOOM, MISS LAURA (who is, besides being one of the dearest ladies in the world, OUR WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER), EMAILED ME SOMETHING SO INCREDIBLE I HAD TO SHARE.

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And also: :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I got my wedding-pink-hair. ;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;


( Take our SPARKLELUTION )

The beginnings of our marriage license. <3


Jenn hung our marriage license in our bedroom today. I noticed it when I was taking off my earrings when I came home from work. We'd talked about finding the most special place possible for it, proudly displayed in its new frame. It's right next to our gigantic "happily ever after" plaque, and when I saw it, I got teary eyed all over again.

If you're a straight person, reading the above paragraph, you might not understand it. A marriage license is something you've always been allowed to have, something you've never had to think about. That's not your fault. You were born that way. You were allowed marriage and I wasn't, though your love is not better or worse than my love. Not better or worse, just different. But the ramifications of its differentness impacts me deeply and legally. Or, it did. Until a few months ago.

You see, Jenn and I live in New York state. NY began to allow gay marriages on July 24, 2011. I remember that day with such a striking vividness, though I remember the moment that they announced it as legal much, much clearer.

We were having a fairy party (you are not surprised) over the weekend, and many of our guests had already arrived that evening when my best friend--who hadn't yet made it--called me. I couldn't hear her amidst the laughter, so I went into the bedroom, hand clasped over my other ear. "...it passed?" she yelled breathlessly, exuberant. "I don't know if it passed, silly!" I laughed back, "we don't know if it's going to be voted on tonight..." "No!" she shouted. "SARAH. It PASSED."

My world fell away. I stood, silent, limp when she said: "SARAH? DID YOU HEAR ME? IT PASSED."

And then I began to sob. I sobbed, breathless, for five minutes, turning, blind, to collapse into Jenn's arms. I kept crying, everyone gathered worriedly. "It didn't pass?" someone whispered, and only then did I find my voice, only then did months, years of activism, of praying, of frustration, of abuse from angry, homophobic people fall completely away into my personal history as I gulped air, shook my head, and through my tears I said over and over again like someone who's been given the world: "no. It PASSED. Oh god, it passed."

I'd always been so afraid, though I'd tried to hide it. Afraid that Jenn would get sick, that they wouldn't let me see her in the hospital. Afraid something terrible might happen to me, and she be left with nothing (the house is in my name). All of the little things that a married couple never even has to think about I thought about day and night. For Jenn and I were already married, though it wasn't legal. And if she'd gotten ill or something had happened to me, it would have meant nothing to the faceless systems that would keep us apart.

It sounds science fiction-y, doesn't it. Like something out of a movie, that in this day and age, two passionately and madly in love people could be kept from one another in the moments that matter most. My worst nightmares contained faceless hospital staff that stood and barred the door, refusing me admittance to the room where my wife lay, calling for me. It's a grotesque and dramatic image, but it happens every single day in this country. Every single day in every single state that does not have gay marriage or protection for gay couples.

It wasn't just about the legal ramifications, the safety that would be afforded to us once it passed. It was the "less than" status that, every day, we combated. Gay marriage in NY state has not been a miracle pill. In our rural community, it's still sometimes frightening to be an openly gay woman. Countless people still look down at us, hate us, make the everyday, simple task of holding hands a political statement open for commentary by every stranger passing.

But we're legal. We are no longer less than. And that has begun to make all the difference.

The problem, now, is...well, I'm calling it "survivor's guilt." You see, we have a lot of gay friends. Many of them don't live in NY. Some of our dearest loved ones are not allowed the exact same rights that we have because of geography, because of the state they live in. Which seems so odd, so wrong, so ridiculous to me that I have a hard time understanding it. L and J, two beautiful hearts and so in love women, cannot marry because their state doesn't allow it. So, while I am afforded the legal safety and privileges of marriage, they are still in the cold and dark of waiting for their state to see progress, to see empathy and equality. There is nothing different about their love from ours.

The only difference is geography.

I can't stop looking at our marriage license. I have such mixed feelings when I do. Relief. Elation. Love. Joy. Happiness. Gratitude.

And sadness that I'm one of the "lucky" ones. When we should ALL be the "lucky" ones.

Some of our older gay friends have reminded me, gently, that Rome wasn't built in a day. When Jenn and I fell in love, eight years ago, we could never have imagined that we would, today, be legally married. THAT seemed like science fiction, and yet--look. Eight "short" years later, and I wear a beautiful, shining wedding band that symbolizes, as simple metal can try, everlasting love. Who knows what eight years more can do?

I have hope. I have faith.

And though I am now afforded these shiny, new legal rights, I can't stop. No one can stop. And no one is stopping. We are all still trying, still fighting, and we will never stop fighting for equal rights for all. Everywhere. EveryONE.

Regardless of geography.

(cross-posted at Muse Rising)

This continues to be the AWESOMEST DAY OF EVER. We were featured in Offbeat Bride--AGAIN! :D

This is the last time you'll see me before I get legally married.

In a matter of hours, some of my most favorite people in this entire world, my soul family, begins to trickle in to the western New York area from all parts of the country. There will be embraces and laughter and tears and glitter BAMs and love, love, love, love, love.

I am so overflowing with gratitude and joy and sparkle, I have no idea what to do with myself.

My beautiful, amazing, perfect, wondrous, sparkly bride and I will legally be married in two days.

SPARKLE WEDDING. TWO DAYS.

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A bright, blessed Mabon morning has spread before us--a wild, untamed day of vibrancy and brilliance, leaves unfurling, and autumn descending, Persephone descending. Hail and welcome, beloved Autumn. <3 <3 <3

Today, we are applying for our marriage license. I was a little nervous that they won't give us one (they don't have to if it's against their religion), and we'll have to find another county to go to (I have activist courage about eleventy billion things regarding GLBT rights, but when it comes to my OWN WEDDING, I just want it to be all positive, all happiness--that's not such a hard-to-grant wish for most people, but for gay weddings, it is. I hate that.). Last night, I sat very still, eyes closed, and imagined them smiling when they heard the news we were getting married--getting the same reaction as all of the straight couples who go in for their licenses. I thought of all of the people who fought so very hard for us to even get to this point, and I stopped being nervous. If they treat us terribly, we'll leave, we'll talk about it, it won't stop us from getting married because nothing can stop us from getting married. That thought alone revived the great joy in my heart.

A week from today, we are getting married--legally married. We are four Glamourkins away from the completion of Operation Sparkle Wedding, we are seven days away from legal marriage, something no one can ever touch, no one can ever destroy. We'll be "official," "worth-full" in the eyes of a society that did not think this in June. I've never given a flying flip what society thinks about me, but now we're protected, we have our rights--we're safe.

Mabon is all about gratitude. Every day, I'm thankful for so very many things, but this time, the list is so much greater.

- People from all over the country are flying and driving and sparkling in to celebrate our marriage. They are taking time out of their busy lives to uphold us in love. Many more wish they could be there, will be there in spirit. We dwell in a veritable house of love, a mansion of love, a beautiful dwelling of heart and love--I could not be more grateful for you.

- We are getting legally married, a hard won, hard fought for privilege. So few of our community have this precious right...it should not be this precious, but it is, and I'm so, so grateful for it.

- Every day, every hour, every moment, I fall more in love with Jenn in my life. She is my soul mate, the celestial body to my satellite, my morning and my star rise. I love her with all that I am, every day I fall deeper into that love, I can not believe that I am blessed enough to marry her again.

Whoever you are, whatever you do, this day, I am sending you love. This is the autumn of the year, this is the resplendence of the world, this is one week from a marriage.

Oh, bliss, bliss, bliss. <333333333333333333333

- Glamourkin update tomorrow night! Last update before the wedding--a final hurrah, as it were. <3

- I AM VERY SORRY IF I AM CURRENTLY A LITTLE SPACEY WHEN IT COMES TO EMAILS OR TWEETS OR WHAT NOT. If you have something important to tell me, and I don't get back to you, I AM SO SORRY, PLEASE ACCEPT MY GLITTERY APOLOGY. Sparkle Wedding is a MAJOR THING, and since we're doing EVERYTHING FOR IT, my brain is on all sorts of little post it notes, and scribbled somewhere on walls, and sitting in dishes in thrift stores. Hopefully not in dishes in thrift stores. That'd be kind of messy. Either way, if I don't reply, please bug me again! It doesn't mean I don't love you--I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. It means that I'm a forgetful person in general, and remembering elevnty BILLION things for the wedding has my brain stretched in delightful new ways it has never been before. :D /End Sparkly Service Announcement

- So, Jenn's fabulous entry detailing car shenanigans? I WOULD LIKE TO UPDATE THAT: WE STILL DO NOT HAVE A CAR. We have named our rental car Sophia. I love her, but I want Xena. /Could be taken so many ways

- Jenn looks ridiculously beautiful today. She's wearing the Boston t-shirt that we got from a street vendor for five dollars in Boston, and every time I look at her, I remember how excited she was that we'd found one (her Dad bought her one when she was little, and that was one of her favorite memories--I wanted to re-do that for her, so we found a vendor, and I got her a five dollar shirt. It sounds more romantic in my head, I promise). She's in such good spirits, even though we have five thousand things left to do and organize and get together, and some things aren't working out (LIKE NOT HAVING A CAR), but everything is just so funny at this point, and I love her so much, and none of the STUFF matters. It's all about my amazing fiancee, and the fact that IN ALMOST ONE WEEK, I WILL BE LEGALLY MARRYING HER~ <33333333333333333333333

- I'm reading Swinging on the Garden Gate: A Spiritual Memoir by Elizabeth J. Andrew, about finding faith, love and acceptance for her bisexuality in the Unitarian church, and it's just beautiful beyond description. I keep wishing it wasn't a library book, because five thousand things would be underlined. So deeply recommended.

- We found crayons at OfficeMax for ten cents a pack. Jenn's most-favorite-idea-but-would-probably-never-be-able-to-happen thing about the wedding will actually be able to happen now. But I can't tell you what it is. :D /Sneaky

- IN CONCLUSION, I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS IMAGE THAT THE LOVELY LAURA PHOTOSHOPPED FOR OUR WEDDING.

It is almost two weeks until the wedding. Two weeks. Twoooooooooo weeeeeeeeeeeeks.

So, in a fit of trying to save money, I was like: HONEY, WE SHOULD TOTALLY MAKE THE FOOD FOR THE WEDDING. She looked at me and blinked and patted my arm and said: you say that now, but when it gets close, you're going to be tearing at your hair and wishing you never said that. And I replied: BUT WE COULD GET RAINBOW COLORED DISHES AND IT COULD BE EXTRAORDINARILY PRETTY AND NO ONE HAS VEGGIE OPTIONS THAT ARE INEXPENSIVE AND TASTY AND THIS IS THE ULTIMATE SADNESS. And she replied: okaaaaaaay. But just remember--this is going to be a lot of work...

And, at the time, I was wearing my Lesbian Bride super-heroine cape, and pish-poshed her gentle reminders and was like: WE SHALL DO THIS AND IT SHALL BE MIGHTY.

Now, two weeks until the wedding, I CAN'T BELIEVE I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.

Seriously? Seriously? We have to set up the entire church! We have to set up the reception hall! We have to set up everything and decorate the entire hall, and we're going to be making food for sixty plus people the day before the wedding?

We chose our bridesmaids and wedding party well. No one has said: SARAH, WHY DO YOU HAVE THE CRAZIES. WHO COMES UP WITH AN IDEA LIKE THAT OMG I AM NOT HELPING. Instead, everyone is saying: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, WE'LL COME TOGETHER AND CHOP VEGETABLES AND IT'LL BE A PARTY AND HAPPY TIME YOU'LL REMEMBER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WE LOVE YOU DON'T WORRY.

To which I remain tearful and give internet and phone hugs and try to stitch together the last pieces of Sparkle Wedding.

So, when we say "this is a DIY wedding!" really, the amount of DIYness is through the effing roof. We're writing the entire ceremony, have made all of the favors, the food, all of the decorations, the playlists, the jewelry, the flowers, the seating thingies...the only thing we didn't hand make is our dresses, and Katie's altering them, so does that partially count? XD My entire life is built on creativity and crafting, and I love all this, but may I point out that we've had about a month and a half to do all of this?

May I also point out that I'm writing a couple of books right now? And working on short stories for an anthology, contest and my own anthology? And making Glamourkins and hair flowers to sell so that we can actually have a wedding?

Which--by the way--Glamourkin update probably this Sunday--the last hurrah of Operation Sparkle Wedding. :D /KmartVoiceover

If I step out of myself and look at the insane whirlwind that is our lives right now, I have to chuckle. How did we think that two ladies--two ladies with almighty work ethics, but still--could pull this off?

But we're doing it.

Every day, I come home and Jenn has completed eleventy billion things, and we work long into the night on all of these projects. I take these moments where I sweep her up in a tight embrace and kiss her and tell her how ridiculously happy I am...

Because all of this is cake. Really, it is. It makes me so happy to be covered in glue and glitter because I'm working on things for my legal wedding. My lesbian, legal wedding.

When I first met Jenn, we never thought this was possible. I suppose that was pessimistic for a usually extraordinarily optimistic lady--but it's true. I just thought that I would love her forever, and screw everyone else, really, it didn't matter. But it did matter. It mattered a lot. When gay marriage began to pop on the political radar, I was ecstatic...discouraged at how so many people advocated against it, but really, I was undaunted.

Surely, someday, it would happen to us if we kept believing, if we kept fighting, if we kept asking and working for it...

That day has come.

I know that day is going to come for all of my gay loved ones who want what we have so effing desperately. I know it--I know it to my bones and back.

No wedding should ever have to be an activist action. No wedding should ever be looked down at. No wedding should ever be derided or laughed at. But ours has been. Ours has been by people who don't think that lesbians should have the right to marry, ours has been by people who are bitter that the measure passed in NY state.

And, to them and the rest of the world who thinks we shouldn't be doing this, that it's wrong that we're doing this, I look at you and politely smile and say: hope you enjoy the extra sparkle we'll throw into those lesbian wedding pictures for you. :D <3 <3 <3

In two weeks, I am marrying the love of my life. In front of all of our loved ones--some who could make it to the last sparkling affair, most who could not--I will take my vows, slip the ring onto my beloved's finger, kiss her and seal that most splendid of unions that humanity created.

That NY state has now allowed to me. As if I were, actually, human.

Thanks for finally noticing, NY.

Two weeks until an activist action. Two weeks until a Sparkle Wedding. Two weeks until rainbows and big gay unicorns and fairies cavort in a church that will experience its first gay wedding in sparkle and style.

You have supported us and loved us and cherished us, because, in spite of, no matter that, we're gay. You look at us and do not see our gayness. You see two women, madly and sappily in love.

It's because of you that we're here. It's because of your support that we never gave up believing. It's because of your love that we are going to walk down that aisle, hand in hand.

You guys.

We're getting legally married in two weeks.

Can I get a big "fuck yeah" to the universe? <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333

I MADE THIS GRAPHIC AS A TRIBUTE TO OUR LOOOOOOOOVE. IT DOES NOT HAVE A UNICORN ON IT, UNFORTUNATELY. IF IT DID, IT WOULD BE PERFECT.


(THE POST TITLE IS RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS BECAUSE THE RAINBOW CONNECTION IS THE SONG THAT THE WEDDING PARTY IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE TO. AND NOW I HAVE GIVEN AWAY A SPARKLE WEDDING SECRET AND WILL SHUSH. :D *zips it*)

Today, my sister Laura (a professional photographer among many other things!) went with us to Tillman Nature Preserve to do our engagement photoshoot--Engagement 2.0. XDDDDD

Jenn is the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world--last night, we figured out what we were going to wear for the shoot, and she kind of slayed me when she put it all together. It's one of her favorite outfits, and she's worn it many times before, but today, out in the colors and magic of that place, she glowed with love. Tillman was where I did many, many spells of hope to the Goddess when we were in our long distance relationship, asking Her to let Jenn and I be together. It was a perfect full circle to take our real, legal, this-is-totally-happening engagement photos there, in some of the same places where I poured my heart out to the universe, asking for one thing: her, always.

<3 <3 <3 I am so in love with this woman, it's something I can not contain. My sister did an exquisite job of capturing that in this photoset. I'm humbled and grateful that she was able to create such magic, and to take such beautiful photos. I love you so much, kitty--thank you~ <3

You can see the whole set here at our Flickr~ <3

This teepee has been in the woods for years. No one knows who made it. We MIGHT know who put that heart banner on it, though. XDDDDD


( My favorites with COMMENTARY. *LOVE* )

I am so effing in love with these photos, and so happy, I can't stand it~ It makes up for the dress situation still not being resolved. I shall live on LOVE AND FAITH ALONE! *triumphantly shakes little fist*

Edited to add: I JUST received an email that my dress order is ALMOST COMPLETE. They bypassed all of the other steps they were talking about (no phone call, no communication! *laughs*) WHICH I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT. *crosses every finger* OMG, C'MON, UNIVERSE!!!!!!