SeaHeart

I've been very quiet for the past month or so. I've been going through a lot of personal changes, and have needed that space and freedom to follow my heart without summarization or articulation. I think I'm beyond this point now, and can stretch my new wings, fresh out of the chrysalis. What happened to me during this time is completely internal, a metamorphosis that is both life changing and opening. I'm a completely different person from a month ago, and I want to document that, both because it amazes me, but also because I have a constant need to stretch the bounds of honesty and be as authentic and completely open as I can be. For this purpose, and because I feel the need to be as honest as possible in this journey, this post is public.

I don't expect everyone to truly understand what I have to say here--and that's okay. However, I would ask that you continue to respect me as your friend, realizing that my decisions are those I make--and if they're not right for you, they're still incredibly right for me. That's the way all life is, after all--ancora imparo. I am always learning.

While my spirituality and love of my Goddess and love of my beloved fill me in all ways, for a very long time I've been unhappy with how the world works. I don't know why it's always bothered me so much--perhaps it's because I was homeschooled, I ran wild in the woods and meadows for my growing up years, answerable only to the wind and the rain. I learned to listen to nature, to tune in and, let's be a bit poetic here, be completely at one with it. I don't know if that's what differentiates me, or if it's because I'm me, I'm Sarah, and this is how I was meant to be. It doesn't really matter, the whys. Just that I've always been this way, and how we think we have to live...I don't believe it.

We go to work, to jobs we almost completely dislike. We work very hard. We get depressed about the state of the world, that we're not doing what our degrees or dreams asked of us. So we go shopping, and buy stuff to soothe that ache. Let's party on the weekend. Let's drown our dreams and forget we had them. Fuck. It's Monday again. Rinse and repeat.

I've always been on more of the fringe side of these things, but I do have a nine to five job that has nothing to do with what my heart aches for.

This unrest hit a head when I went to Diana's Grove at Ostara with Rachel. We spoke, long into the morning, and I cried a lot. We talked about dreams, our deepest desires, our want and need to do whatever we could to make certain our families were secure in more ways than monetary. Our need, within ourselves, to take back that power that we believe the world has and controls. We were there to remind each other that we do have power, if we dare to look for it.

I looked for it. I searched through every area of my life with a deliberate care, dragging out bits of darkness into the light, examining them, seeing what about my spirit I loved, and what could really use a going over. And, in the end, I decided to make some changes.

During this time, by chance, I happened to find a few blogs that spoke to me. Rowdy Kittens, Far Beyond the Stars, Zen Habits, mnmlist and (my favorite), the Simple Rabbit Society. It's as if these blog authors knew my innermost heart. Here were all my longings and half-formed thoughts, but distilled into a simple essence and hope--that there is another way.

What these blogs have in common is that they are Minimalist blogs. Minimalism is the idea that you can live a very, very simple life--and, instead of worrying about stuff, you live your life, savoring experiences, love and the sheer beauty of the world, instead of things.

It was shocking at first. There were people who lived with less than fifty objects, who could pack their entire lives in a single backpack, who owed no one and nothing, and were as free as the wind. This Sarah, who had lived several years in the world, found it hard to believe, found it hard to understand. But the deeper Sarah, the truer Sarah, remembered what it was like to be homeschooled, to run wild in the woods and meadow and answerable to no one but the wind and rain. And this Sarah, the wild child, the daughter of the earth, found it delicious. And loved it fiercely...as much, or more so, than the tame Sarah feared it.

There can not be two ideals at war within you. So, one of these had to go. I struggled with myself, I wrestled an angel (an impossibility), and--in the end--the wild one survived.

What is the worst, I reasoned with myself, that could happen? You give up most of your worldly possessions, you no longer have unhealthy desire, you no longer covet, you are as free--again--as the wind and rain. What is the worst that could happen?

There was no answer. Because there was no worst.

Once I decide to do something with all of my heart, it is done. I have to reach the place of supreme calm and courage within me, and then everything changes. This is what happened, and this is what did.

So...what does this all mean?

- I'm simplifying my world down to the deep essentials. Those few things that unequivocally make my heart sing, or that I need to survive, and the few things that provide a very rooted sense of nostalgia for me. The problem is that I'm a water sign, and I'm deeply sentimental anyway--so these past few weeks have found me going through boxes of things that I've been attached to, over the years, for no other reason than they remind me of such and such a moment--even if the item is arguably junk. I'm finding it easier and easier to give up those things that do not service me, freeing edges of my life that have yet never been freed.

- I've stopped buying things. I did this a few months ago based on monetary reasons. But I'm now doing it based on a spiritual reason--I don't need that thing, that item. To purchase it further indebts me, even if I'm paying for it in cash, because that cash could be used to pay off a credit card. On the deeper side of things, I no longer feel the need to purchase things. Anything. This happened gradually, and I fully realized it last week--that I no longer have cravings, that I no longer feel inadequate or remotely sad because I don't own x perfume oil or y book. I already lead a simple life to begin with, buying items with infrequency, but this has gone from a trickle to a halt. How does this feel? Invigorating, empowering, heady. If we need something like shampoo or food, we purchase it, but if I can see no real need for a luxury item, I simply don't. I've remembered that libraries can be sanctuaries, that our backyard is as much of a kingdom as any other. I'm free.

- I gave up coffee. This was really big for me, because I was addicted to it, because I gave up my own power every time I gave in to those cravings. It didn't really make me happy, buying that five dollar latte--but it gave me, for those small moments, a happy feeling. The moment the drink was done, I was five dollars poorer, and my stomach felt horrible. So I quit cold turkey last Monday. I've felt no ill effects, have had no headaches, and once I decided to do it, it was completely simple.

- I've become someone different. My self worth was never derived from material objects, but some small part of it was--and I've lost that. My mother came to visit us the other day, and while I was watering my vegetable garden, she looked at me and said: "you're so...so...steady. So calm, so centered. You're very zen." I gave her a wicked grin and said something about being more wild, but I can see that, too. I'm powerful. I'm strong and capable, and I can do anything I want, with this new freedom. I gave myself this freedom. This belief that we CAN get out of debt, that we CAN live the life we want, that with each taking back of our powers, we are ever closer to the dream state we've built in our own hearts. When we drill down to the base essence of ourselves, all else must follow.

This is my essence:

- That I've always hated anything that confines and restricts me. That I'm wild and free, in my deepest essence, that to be controlled or manipulated, coerced or held down is the very thing that I cry out against the most. Debt, addiction, wanting and needing things that truly serve no purpose, to ME, do not serve my greater good. So, with my strength, and through the Goddess', I've chosen another path.
- That I'm a strong and courageous and phenomenal woman, that I am the Goddess incarnate, here on Earth, and that I can hear Her so much stronger when I am solidly within my own heart and spirit.
- That if I don't like how the world is going, the only thing that I have any power to control is my own path and my own life. I must be the change I want to see in the world, and to be anything less does not serve me.
- That if I am to truly follow my heart and be the most authentic spiritual person I can be, I must uphold my own creeds and tenets, and must be completely authentic in these. Or I am nothing but hollow (and I am not hollow).

I don't believe in any sort of extreme--when I make a decision that feels right to me, I stick with it. That's why I'm Pagan, that's why I worship the Goddess, that's why I'm vegan--because I found out these truths within myself at the perfect time, and that's what I came to be. It's a very simple, very intuitive way to live...and, now, within these moments, I've found another aspect. I love simplicity, and I'm rebuilding my life to be in line with this truth.

There will be more posts along this sort of vein, but I did want to put it out there. I've changed. I needed to explain why.

Thanks for reading~ <3

Everything is Story. These days are like pages, rustling as each one turns--sun down to stars and back to sun again, light racing across blades of grass, leaves lengthening, flowers spilling open. This is a rich time, a greening time, and everything around me sings.

In our story, I will assume you know the secrets: that Beltane lies across from Samhain, that the days leading up to Midsummer are open and sheer--a veil between worlds that Witches can see through. The fireflies that light the evenings, coming so close as to almost kiss me, are lanterns in the doorway, and at the brambled hedge between my meadow and the greater field, there is a gate. Perhaps I just imagined it, but everything is thin and fragile, and I'm not really certain what I see. Fairies, maybe. Ghosts dancing. It doesn't really matter, everything can be defined by what you see, after all. That is why all stories are different.

So, I kneel in my garden, far past dusk. There is a thin line of lighter blue upon the horizon, and the spangles of stars race, brilliant across the heavens--celestial veins. My eyes are sharpened, in the dark, and I continue digging small holes, filling them with water, until I can see my face reflected. Then, in goes the small plant, and dirt presses around it, under my fingers (I feel, sometimes, as if I'm tucking them into bed). The watering can spills over them again, and the leaves glisten in starlight. I stop when I can no longer see the shape of my face, in the earth, in the water--it has become too dark, even for me. That's when I know it's time to go home.

They say the best way to scry is to dig a hole in the earth, and fill it with water, by starlight--visions will come, truth and stories to fill you. I? I see my face, and I see my smile, as I gently set roots down, into stars. I see hope. I see...

"What are you planting?" the fireflies whisper. I could answer a truth, in kind. Cucumbers, watermelon, sweet tomatoes that twine their vines about my hands--corn seeds that glitter like gold in a palm. Hard, wrinkled peas that will someday yield pods. But there is another truth, and another story, so I whisper back, "possibility." Because the dark is too soft, too cold, for loud voices.

And I don't want to disturb the ghosts beyond the hedge.

Every night, I hoop at twilight. The first stars are faintly shining in the sky, the sun is gone, but the splash of color on the horizon will last for about forty-five minutes, giving me enough light to dance.

The fireflies come out, one by one, and shift and move around me, dancing, too. It's hard to describe, that connection, that feel of earth beneath bare feet as I twirl things into being. I imagine the Goddess, shaping the world with a spiral, and I swing my hips to a sound only I and the fireflies can hear--a song made by the stars, the crickets, the waning moon overhead, the trees as they shift, pressing soft leaf tongues against the wind--the robins, as they put their babies to bed, singing lullabies in feathered language.

My heart beats fast, when I spin the hoop. The larger, heavier ones require more effort, and your skin has to stay connected to them longer to keep them in the air, suspended. You don't fight the gravity, you realize that you're a part of it, and if you romance it a little, it won't fight you, either...

It's such Witchcraft, these magic hours. I belly dance, when my hips begin to ache from too much spinning, moving myself like a serpent-made-human. I undulate, hold out my arms to the fireflies, spin and weave and whir, a piece of living clockwork in the greater Universe.

I lay down, spent, last night, body cupped by soft grasses, gentle dews, as I stared up at the stars and traced the pictures I know by heart. There is the great bear, her head held high, while she smiles indulgently down upon the world, holding us all in her great ursine embrace. I felt such magic all around me, felt so connected that I could not have spoken, even if I wanted to. I was mute, silent to the pervasive beauty and awe in the line of every living thing.

I held up my hoop to the stars, my body cradled by the earth, my hoop suspended in the heavens. I thought about what it is, as a Witch, to cast the circle, to invite the elements to witness your great rite, to draw down the Goddess from a sickle moon into your heart. I thought about magic, I thought about how it exists within me, within all things, and in that moment, I pressed my hand against my heart, overwhelmed by the greatness of the universe, and my own smallness. And how, despite my tiny spirit in comparison to a star--I am still cradled, I am still loved. I am still held.

And I set the hoop down around my feet, as I stood. And I raised my arms up to the heavens, cradling them in my arms, as I imagine the Goddess does.

I was too filled with gratitude to tell Her the two words my entire being sang. So I write them here:

Thank You.

- The very first fireflies of the year came out last night. I was on the phone with Jen on the back deck, lazily curled up in a chair when I though I saw a star wink at me. I looked up, speechless as, very slowly, the firefly drifted towards me. Fireflies are so special to me, they mean so much joy, so much love and happiness. Writing my personal mythology of fireflies into Twixt makes me endlessly happy, and they show up in my life, just as I'm spinning the web of them into my story? Wow~ I felt so blessed, so joyful. I stepped down from the deck, went and wandered through the backyard, watching them slowly wake up until I was surrounded by stars~ <3

- I'd had plans to do my full moon ritual *after* I talked to Jen, but I had an impromptu epiphany, and asked her if she'd do a ritual with me over the phone. Hey, it's an era of TECHNOLOGY, why the heck not. XDDDD It was amazing, fulfilling, joy-filled~ <3 Jen is an incredible lady and writer and witch, one of my best friends, and being able to share ritual space (even if it was only over a telephone line) was pure magic. What a beautiful blessing, what a bright omen for the summer months to come--hope filled and joy touched. <3 I am so incredibly grateful~

- They say it takes a village to raise a child...well, it takes a village to raise a novel, too. The support, the love, the "YOU CAN DO THIS!s," the offers of help, the offers of reading...maybe it's lessening my own involvement and work in it to admit that without this support and awesomeness from my loved ones, maybe Twixt wouldn't be the book it is--but it's true. Jenn, Maddie, Laura, Jen, Bree and Jacqueline--I admit fully that I could not have woven this together without you, and I love you, and I appreciate you more than I can ever articulate. Everyone else who has been SO supportive and kind and "I can't wait until this gets published!"...I'm overwhelmed by your love and kindness and BELIEF in me and I'm made speechless by it. Thank you, thank you, thank you~ <33333 I can do this. I can DO this.

- Katie and Pete came over for a little dinner party, Tuesday night--it was heaven~ <3 Being able to articulate about stories among people I so vastly love and appreciate--such happiness. The Twilight Rifftrax afterward, was also joy on earth. XD (I've seen this thing literally six or seven times now, the most I've seen any Rifftrax--it never gets old!)

- My excitement for the long weekend knows no bounds~ Gardening, reading, writing, playing with the behbehs and happy outings with my amazing wife...what a beautiful way to ring in summer!!

- I'm meeting Bree for a very long lunch today, because we get out so early~ <33333 And, after I pick Jenn up from work, we get to go meet Maddie and Jared's new kitty-cat, Lando (Catrissian) XDDDDD that they adopted from our shelter~ I remember him and his roly-poly-ness~ I can't wait to "officially" meet our new furry nephew.

- I'm a very visual person, and Tumblr makes me very happy. My blog there, When Ariel Dreams, is filled with images I love, images that inspire me for stories, and images that make my heart sing.

- My wife is this amazingly incredible person, and I fall in love with her deeper every single day. It amazes me, this love.

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

~ e. e. cummings

- In conclusion, I give you ridiculous cuteness:

I'm sitting outside, feet bare and dug deep into the soft grasses. Overhead, branches interlace, tree hands holding one another up against the sun...it's like a stained glass window, sunshine pouring through the thin green. There are tiny puffs floating through the air; spiderwebs, woven through the branches, occasionally sparkle. The thick trunks of pines rise up, towering above me, surrounding me. A little bit away is a hawk's nest. The babies keep calling to her, and she'll wheel back, come and nuzzle them (perhaps reprimand them for their crying...I wish I spoke Bird). Everything is so warm and softly edged and delicate and beautiful with the bees buzzing from tiny flower to tiny flower, and the trees growing ever higher, though it's something you can't even see. I feel like I'm in a faerie world, a magical place, hallowed ground, but outside this thicket there are buildings and corporate offices, pavement and concrete, street lamps and idling cars. Even here, there's the hum of my laptop, the clear glass of my water, my Ganesh bracelet that I've set down in the grass so I can type better. But the magic doesn't mind. It grows, despite these influences, it tangles itself ever higher toward the sun, spreading vines down onto the sidewalk, growing closer toward Man and his paths.

A bee, giant, bumble, drifts closer to my bare foot, pauses on a grass stem. "You shouldn't be able to fly," I tell him, smiling. "That's what they say." His cheerful buzzing, the way he pauses, as if relaxing for a long, cool moment...it's as if he is a lesson, in and of himself. But what am I to a bumblebee? He probably doesn't even see me, know I'm here. When we look for messages, for magics, in the hawk and the cloud and the bee...what if they're looking for magic in us?

The bumblebee leaves, flying. Scientists say it's impossible for a bumblebee to fly, and he spends every moment of his life proving them wrong.

A tiny moment, out of time. Which I share with you~ <3

My life in the past few weeks, in lovely little digestible noms~

<3 I got my Star Girl added to my fairy tale sleeve, FINALLY!



( Her heart was filled with stars )

<3 We picked poppies from a wild field~



<3 I'm working endlessly on editing Twixt. I have this totally unrealistic goal of being finished with edits by my birthday, July 6th. XDDDD Um. We'll see what happens.

<3 We're planning our first annual Midsummer extravaganza, which we're endlessly excited about and covered in glitter for.

<3 All of our fur babies are finally healthy~ I gave baths to Pan and Poesy last night, and told Link he was far too clean and dainty to get one. XD To which I'm sure he agreed. My two little wild muppets are always tangled in something, and their taller and more more esteemed brother is fretting on the sidelines while they chase frogs and find more ways to store grass clippings in their coats. XD

Poesy--practically CLEAN, compared to what usually happens on such outings. XD


<3 We finally have our vegetable garden rotatilled! I'm going to be consecrating the ground on Thursday (the full moon) and planting on Saturday~ My excitement knows no bounds~ <3

<3 I'm surrounded by people who love me and believe in me and my stories and never, ever, ever let me give up. That's pretty incredible, and something I am endlessly and forever grateful for. <3333333

In some way, shape or form, the sea shows up in my dreams each night, has since I was a little girl. It's as if the Goddess took pity on me, knowing it would be quite a bit of time from infancy until that beloved and often dreamed of house by the ocean in my adulthood. I'm still not even there. So, each night, I'm in the water or on boats, on the shore or flying above it, water, water, everywhere, healing, soothing, beloved--or destroying, fierce, primordial. Either way, it's constant.

My dreams lately have been mutable and often at night. I'm on islands, or in boats beneath a myriad of stars. There are giants of the deep, keeping pace with me, arching glistening backs beneath the stars, sliding through the water almost soundless. I'm never afraid. A kraken's eye blinks at me just beneath the surface, as I dangle sleepy fingers into the ink-black water. Sometimes it's stormy, and great whales keep my boat afloat, pushing with their foreheads against the tiny thing, keeping it above the surface. I'm often with sharks, but I love sharks, and they seem to know this. I'll hold onto their fins, and they'll pull me deep under, where fish glow like fireflies in the depths. Manta rays and turtles keep me stable, let me ride with them. I'm always touching their broad backs or placing a hand on whorled skin. Everything blue, blue, blue for miles, but myself, in that singular moment, fine tuned to this and here and now.

The ocean asks for nothing. It just always is, always carries me and holds me. She could take me back (for we all came from the ocean, She says), but She doesn't. She cradles me in tempest, in starlit night, rocked to sleep on the backs of whales.


by drumsnwhistles

stonetalker, an amazing intuitive reader, is doing free one stone drawings out of her medicine bag today for anyone who needs one here~

Mine, for my own records. I'll be doing my meditation tonight with my own rutilated quartz~ <3 (I love them, and was tickled pink that it showed up as the reading~)

Rutilated Quartz
Very appropriate stone. This stone brings healing, particularly to the chest area. In a physical reading, this pertains to matters of the lungs; metaphysically it pertains to matters of the heart. Sometimes called 'Venus Hair Stone,' its golden strands are a thing of beauty, and lift the spirits. It applies to your situation by encouraging you to see the beauty in what is there, rather than missing what is not. There is an old Eastern proverb that says, "It is possible to appreciate the beauty of the tiger even as he is crouching to devour you." Seek, and you will find.